TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxury housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully out of put. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable drinking water. But Certainly, certain, let's have One more location the place American Adult men can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst former negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: offer you All people a collection to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate ability," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Just about every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It truly is that he ought to halt employing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the task, replied, "You recognize, gentleman, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Superior folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head seen from Place, a feature getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental groups Trump Tower Damascus have submitted lawsuits immediately after acquiring the building's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It's not only hideous. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Puzzling Options


Probably the strangest element from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees might ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local climate Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "wherever's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is by now attracting attention from Global buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll obtain a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount will even include things like:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to determine a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort wherever my PTSD can have convert-down support."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Ideas with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It needed gold. It wanted a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave everything three. You happen to be welcome."

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